It’s no secret; parents want their children to be smart and knowledgeable. We have seen parents forcing their school going children to study harder and score higher. Now-a-days this has gone a step further. For example, baby formula commercials showing babies as young as few months old recognizing songs, words and showing good understanding of the surrounding. These commercials make mothers feel inadequate; it implants the notion that all kids of the age group needs to posses such skills. In fact, I doubt any kid actually does that, but it is just so hard for mothers to refrain from questioning themselves when everything on TV says other kids are smarter than theirs.
As I said these days there is big pressure even on babies, to be smart or be a genius. It is a very competitive world not only for adults but also for little children. Actually, there is one show that I will never forget. It was about a kid who could solve difficult math problems in a second. On the show, he was asked to solve an equation on the spot, and he said “No, that’s number two. There’s another question before that.” Apparently, he had been given the questions and answers prior to the recording.
In yet another example, I have seen TV shows in which mothers talk about how smart their kids are, and frankly, I never see anything extraordinary. A celebrity mother talked about how her three year old could remember every exact word of the story in her favorite books. “What a genius!” exclaimed the show host. “And what brand of formula do you feed her?” came next. Big surprise - it turned out to be the brand that sponsored the show.
Researchers say that young kids are great learners, so it no great surprise that many kids are able to remember word and songs. Although I believe children should receive encouragement and compliments, if they get too much of those, it can actually be bad for them.
In the book Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn, the author explained that conventional approaches to parenting such as compliments can teach children that they are loved only when they please us or impress us. Kohn also cited the damage caused by leading children to believe they must earn our approval. Rather than bolstering a child’s self-esteem, praise may increase kids’ dependence on us. The more we give compliments, the more kids come to rely on our evaluations, our decisions about what’s good and bad, rather than learning to form their own judgments.
Sometimes I feel that being smart is overrated. If you associate smartness with the grades in school, I personally know many children who get top grades in school but yet can’t remember what they learnt six months back. For me, as long as kids make reasonable choices and are happy with their life, they are smart. That’s good enough for me.
I am not saying you should not compliment your children - you definitely should. However, compliments should be given when they are due, in a realistic amount and with consideration. Compliments, like chocolate, can be good and bad, depending on how you use them. There really is such a thing as too much of a “good” thing.
